Divorce is rarely impulsive, even when it looks that way from the outside. Long before papers are filed or lawyers are hired, most women are quietly wrestling with fear, finances, and unanswered questions about what comes next. In this candid conversation, Amy Polacko, founder of Freedom Warrior Coaching, pulls back the curtain on what women consistently misunderstand about divorce, what they should be doing long before they ever call an attorney, and why approaching divorce like a CEO instead of an emotional first responder can save years of regret, stress, and money.
Before someone even picks up the phone to call a divorce lawyer, what do most people misunderstand about the process? What do you wish they knew sooner?
This is the biggest mistake I see people make. It’s an emotional time and often women rush out to hire an attorney or take recommendations from people in Facebook groups. I did the same thing years ago and boy did it cost me–time, money, and my peace. It’s one of the reasons I’m dedicating my life to empowering others in this process. Women often come to me 50k, 100k or more into a divorce and they have the wrong attorney. They don’t know what the strategy is and their attorney is not returning their calls. It is crucial to educate yourself and work with a divorce coach who can help you create a strategy first and help you find the right lawyer. Women must be the CEOs of their divorce–and their life!
Is it ever smart to talk to a divorce lawyer even if you are not sure you want a divorce? What does “quiet preparation” actually look like?
One of the first things I help clients work through is this question: do you really want a divorce? There are many things you can do on your own–before consulting an attorney. In fact, one of my goals is to save my coaching clients money by preparing key documents in advance of hiring a lawyer. Recently, an area attorney told my client, “I’ve never seen someone so prepared!” which I was thrilled to hear. I work with women to get their ducks in a row in a myriad of ways which include gathering financial documents, custody considerations, forming a team of professionals, speaking to your spouse and kids, or even formulating a safety plan if the marriage is an abusive one. Do not show your cards until you have these things in place ladies!
What are the biggest financial mistakes you see women make when going through a divorce?
Especially in long marriages or households with shared assets.
It is essential to gather all the financial information you can–before you initiate the divorce process. I had one client’s husband take the entire, huge file cabinet out of their office behind her back once he knew she wanted to split. She wished she had made copies of key documents first. Rushing into hiring an attorney before you are educated is one big mistake that can cost you big time. Also, many women have been kept in the dark about the family finances–often a sign of coercive control in a relationship. When you go through mediation it may sound like a great plan to keep costs down and keep things “amicable” but you’re relying on your spouse to be 100% honest about financial disclosures. In litigation, a court can require your spouse to provide them. I believe all women need an attorney who recognizes their contributions to the family, especially stay at home moms, and will uncover all necessary information before you agree to a settlement.
How much of divorce is emotional versus strategic? And how do you help clients make clear decisions when emotions are running high?
There are three parts of divorce: financial, legal, and emotional–and emotional is the most important part. That’s because if you do not have a handle on this aspect of the process, you will often make terrible legal and financial decisions that could haunt you for decades. I made some of these mistakes and that’s why I’m so passionate about helping other women avoid them. People often ask me what the difference is between me and a therapist. I highly recommend my clients have a therapist and I do help them process emotions as well–but as a coach, I am more strategic. I help them become empowered and keep them on task with executing a strategy to get what they deserve.
What should every woman understand about her finances long before divorce is ever on the table?
Accounts, assets, credit, or things people often overlook.
I recommend making copies of anything you can in advance–but if you’re planning secretly don’t alert your partner by trying to get into online accounts and generating alarm. And, honestly, I recommend that women keep at least one foot in the door in a career, even if it’s part-time. Our family court judges expect that women are going to work–even if they have been a stay at home mom for decades. I also believe that women who handle the house and kids so their partner can advance in their careers be given a salary that goes into a special account for them. It’s estimated that stay at home mothers’ work is equivalent to $184k per year. You should be compensated for that.
Has the way people approach divorce changed in the last few years?
Socially, legally, or in how couples want it handled.
I think there is definitely a lot less shame surrounding divorce. We are experiencing a watershed moment for women right now–where many are valuing themselves over partnerships that no longer serve them. I just launched a podcast called Girl, Wake Up! that meets this moment. It’s not just about divorce but about how women are navigating midlife, following their passions, and protecting themselves in an unstable world. I do think that collaborative divorce is growing as an option when you have two reasonable people willing to negotiate; it’s a process that avoids court and employs a financial advisor and mental health professional, along with attorneys. However, if you are dealing with a high-conflict spouse–which most of my clients are–mediation and collaborative models often do not work.
For people living in close-knit communities, how important is privacy during a divorce? How do you protect discretion while still advocating fully for a client?
My clients usually use a private email their partner does not know about to contact me. Everything we discuss is confidential. I have my coaching sessions on Zoom and often clients will be in their car, at a friend’s house, or even in a private room at their library so they have complete privacy. They will also pay me through a credit card their partner can’t track or have a family member pay me. I have clients across the country but for the local ones, I have even met them in a Whole Foods parking lot if they needed to pay me discreetly in cash!
Also, I think it’s important to shield your kids from as much stress as possible. Their biggest concerns when learning their parents are divorcing are: How will my life change? Will I still go to my school? Will I still have my friends? I advise all my clients to avoid posting anything about their divorce or ex partner on social media. These things can be used against you in family court. I co-authored a book called FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld that warns women about how the tables can be turned against them before they even realize it.
Everyone wants an “amicable” divorce. Is that always the best approach? When can trying to keep the peace actually backfire?
Narcissistic partners can try to sweet talk you into mediation or a “kitchen table divorce” to control the process and avoid full financial disclosures. Beware! Women often don’t want to rock the boat and fear inciting their spouses, so try to keep the peace. I have seen this backfire for many. Recently, one woman came to me who did mediation but realized later her husband hid massive amounts of money. Now, she’s struggling to stay afloat and he’s living “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” Litigation may sound scary but only 5 percent of divorces end up in a trial–since most are simply negotiated back and forth between two attorneys and their clients.
What should someone ask a divorce lawyer before deciding who to hire?
And what answers should give them pause?
I have a whole list of questions I give clients to prepare them to interview an attorney. Not only must you personally trust them but you have to know that they have successfully represented clients who have situations just like yours. This is why I caution women about taking advice or attorney recommendations from a friend or family member who divorced; their case may have been entirely different than your situation. If attorneys seem to promise the world instead of a realistic assessment of your case that is a red flag. I personally only recommend attorneys who I know have done right by my clients.
Looking back on your career, what do you wish more women knew before they ever needed a divorce lawyer? Advice you would give a close friend.
Take a breath. You will get through this–you just need a team. I was scared and overwhelmed often in the dissolution process–and I’ve gone through two divorces. I wish I had a coach who educated me about our complicated family court system, guided me to the right attorney, and helped me manage my emotions. Now, I am the coach I wish I had. Women often think “How can I afford a coach if I have to hire an attorney?” What they don’t fully grasp is that a coach will save you money in your divorce and we charge for an hour session what an attorney probably charges for reading one of your emails! Working with a coach is an investment in yourself that can save you not just money, but heartache, emotional and physical stress, and regret that can sometimes last a lifetime. (If you settle for less than you deserve!)
If there is one clear takeaway from Amy Polacko’s work, it is this: divorce is not just a legal event, it is a life strategy. The women who come out strongest are not the ones who rush, panic, or prioritize keeping the peace at all costs, but the ones who prepare quietly, build the right team, and stay grounded while emotions run high. With education, support, and a clear plan, divorce does not have to be something that happens to you. It can be something you navigate with clarity, confidence, and your future fully protected.
Business Name: Freedom Warrior Coaching
Instagram: @freedomwarriortribe
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@amyfreedomwarrior
Amy Polacko offers confidential 15-minute Coaching Consultations for free – book here: https://www.freedomwarrior.info/contact
